“Make it habitual.” – Jocko
Research on thinking and behavior reveals some identifiable characteristics of effective thinkers. It is not necessarily scientists, artists, mathematicians, or the wealthy who demonstrate these behaviors. They have been found in mechanics, teachers, entrepreneurs, salespeople, and parents – people in all walks of life.
The second one – managing impulses.
Good problem solvers have a sense of careful deliberation. They think before they act. They intentionally form a vision of a product, a plan of action, a goal, or a destination before they begin.
They strive to clarify and understand directions, develop a strategy for approaching a problem, and withhold value judgments until they fully understand the idea.
I’ve learned a lot about myself and my need to improve my listening skills in just the last two weeks. In separate instances, I’ve been fortunate to receive some coaching, some insight, and some advice on how to be a better listener, and how to listen for understanding, not just fixing, solving, go do…
I’ve written before on not responding immediately, and saying “I don’t know, but let me find out…” and it remains solid advice.
By waiting, and not responding, or responding with a request for more, and with a side-step “let me check,” you gain some time to compose yourself, think deeper about a proper response, and gain time to formulate a [better] plan.
Responding immediately often sprinkles too much emotion [Red Hat] in your answer, and can ratchet up the tension between you and the other side.
An exercise I was presented with this week helped me better clarify (to myself) how I engage in conversation with others, and what my mind does when listening.
Listening to your own listening (meta?), and activity in the Onward workbook by Elena Aguilar asked me to think about the mental journey my mind takes while listening.
Do I make a connection, and want to interject immediately? Do I want to fix it, right now? Do I disagree, and wait for an opportunity to say so? Am I uncomfortable listening?
I, for sure, reach for the “fix it” mode often, but through this exercise, I gained some clarity, and allowance, to just listen to understand.
What about you?
Listen to learn more, and listen as a partner.
I tend to put on a critical hat (black, blue), too, more so than disagree and come up with a bunch of plans, reasons, and issues that might present themselves later.
All are based on reality, as I don’t care for hypothetical scenarios, these critical inflections come from experiences and historical analogs. This is what happened last time we…
So what did I learn about my listening, and how to manage my impulses when it comes to immediate responses?
I need to wait. Ask more questions. Restate their thoughts, feelings, concerns, questions, and objectives.
Just like I’m being persistent in my craft, I will continue to seek advice and feedback about my soft skills, and manage my impulsive desires to fix and solve.
Those qualities are good, no doubt, but others have valid contributions, too, and I could do a better job in making sure they’re heard, really listened to, and part of an even better solution and future together.
How are you managing your impulses?